Friday, 12 July 2013


                                    THE DANGERS OF DATING DORIS                John Ross ©

                Bluey, Snowy and Mad Mick were sitting in the front bar of the Royal Hotel. There was nothing unusual about this as it was where they were every Saturday afternoon at this time. What was unusual was the subdued atmosphere that pervaded the whole bar. There was very little conversation; even the barman, Angus Applethwaite Bertwistle, known to his friends as ‘Angry’, was sitting quietly polishing glasses with a not very clean tea towel.
                The reason for this sombre atmosphere was that most of the bar patrons had just come from watching their local footy team, the Royal Rabbits, sponsored by the hotel and otherwise known as ‘The Randy Rabbits’,  get beaten in the Grand Final by the Sandy Flat Bull Frogs; 26 to 25. The bar was still festooned with banners that read, ‘Rabbits for premiers in 1949’. Not one person mentioned that it had been 30 years since their last premiership win in 1919. Then they had only won because their opposition had forfeited.
                Mad Mick looked up from his deep concentration on his half empty schooner and said to the bar in general, ‘Bloody ref’. There was a murmur of consent from the other patrons. ‘I’m going to send the bastard a white cane and black glasses.’ Mick went back to the contemplation of his beer.
                Silence hung heavy over the bar like a funeral on a rainy day.
                Trying to change the mood the bar tender said to Bluey, ‘You disappeared pretty quick after yer dinner here last night. Who was that good lookin sheila you was with?’
                Looking rather sheepish Bluey replied, ‘Yeah we were supposed to go to the pictures.’
                This exchange immediately grabbed the attention of Snowy and Mad Mick. Snowy got in first and said, ‘Two questions mate. Who was she and where did you go if you didn’t get to the flicks?’
                Looking even more flustered Bluey went a bright shade of pink and muttered, ‘The bank manager’s secretary Doris.'
                Mad Mick gasped and said, ‘The blond with the big....’
                Snowy, grinning from ear to ear cut in, ‘Now now Mick a bit of decorum please. I’m sure you were going to say that she has big brown eyes. But I do seem to remember that she won ‘Miss Dairy Cow’ in last year’s festival. Isn’t she a bit too posh for the likes of you? Her old man owns that big place out on the Sandy Creek road.’
                Before Bluey could respond Angry chimed in, ‘You blokes should have seen her performance at dinner last night. No beer or gin and tonic for her with the meal. She wanted to see ‘The Wine List’. When I told her we only had Penfolds Claret or Sweet Sherry she wanted to know if we had any ‘Bubbly’. When I told her I didn’t know what she meant she told me it was some French stuff called Çhampspain. Anyway she polished off four glasses of sweet sherry and finished up drinking two beers after all.’
                Bluey said angrily, ‘You sure know how to charge Angry, you bloody robber, the bloody meal cost me over two bloody quid. I coulda bought the new tyres I need for me ute for less than that.’
                Mad Mick who had been busting to get into the conversation said, ‘Well I hope it was bloody worth it mate. You must have it bad to spend that much on a sheila; dinner and the pictures, next thing you will be buying her bloody flowers. Hang on; you didn’t get to the pictures. Did you take her down to ‘Snogger’s Park’ you randy bastard?’
                Bluey replied in a subdued voice, ‘It was her bloody idea and all she wanted to do was talk. How bubbly wine is bliss, how she misses the culture in the big smoke, the last bloody opera she and her father went to. Yak, Yak ,Yak.  It fair put me to sleep but I soon woke up when she started to feel sick. On the bloody way home she threw up all over me. Last bloody time I take out a posh sheila like her.’

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